UnFamiliar

As a player, I've always liked the idea of playing a magic wielding character. Something about the idea of bending reality appeals to me for some reason. As a person, I'm much more comfortable in the woods by myself than I am in crowded cities. I also enjoy reading and learning. I'd have to say that if I were to step through some kind of inter-dimensional portal and end up starting a life on Greyhawk or some such place, I'd probably end up as a Wizard or Druid.

Something about the Wizard has always bothered me though, and it's not just the common clichés I've talked about before (i.e. pointy hat, robes, long beard). I will admit that the idea of a wizard having a familiar is at least interesting, but I almost always have trouble getting it to fit the persona I have in mind. Granted, a wizard isn't required to have a familiar at all, but it's one of the things that contributes to the class, and presents advantages that are lost otherwise.

Perhaps it's the familiar's table that turns me off, I guess. Bat, Cat, Hawk, Lizard, Owl, Rat, Raven, Snake, Toad, Weasel. The guy shoots bolts of magic, shouldn't he have access to something better than a first grader's class mascot? And why the hell does a toad give you three extra hit points? Depending on the wizard, that could be half again his own hit points out of a six ounce critter! Lizards give you bonuses to climb checks. Don't cat's climb too?? Oh, but wait, cat's give you bonuses to move silently. Since when has Move Silently been a wizard's class skill?? Ravens give you bonuses to appraisal checks, cause, I dunno, they know a lot about fine art?? Owls give bonuses to spot checks in shadows. They also give you an unexplained urge to eat rats, which by the way grant bonuses to fortitude.

Picture a powerful wizard. He's tall and slender. His face stern with the confidence of someone who knows the arcane secrets that bind existence together. His eyes peer through the pettiness of the common folk, squabbling over the scraps left on the noble's tables. With a mere thought, he could blink into another plane, or ignite whole villages with a volley of fireballs. His tower is lit with candles set on the skulls of creatures from other dimensions. His walls are lined with ancient tomes and. The air smells of ancient leather bound volumes of forgotten lore and... feces? Ugh, time to change the cat box... Meow!

Unlimited cosmic powers, and he's dangling a string at a playful tabby, or collecting bugs to feed his toad. Better yet, why not a gold fish?? Bonus points to swimming, but you forget everything every six seconds.

Meh. My sarcasm is getting away with me.

Anyway, my usual first conception of a wizard has nothing to do with household pets, vermin or other such pests. I sort of feel like the whole animal buddy thing is more the druid's schtick anyway. Rangers too maybe. I'll rant about rangers in another post though.

My distaste of the whole familiar ideas only gets worse the more I think about it. What if some celestial being from some other plane decides to summon himself a familiar, and suddenly the player character ends up finding himself granting silly skill bonuses and delivering touch attacks??

I was psyched to find that there was a "Bonus Insert" that WotC put out on Familiars, but I was again disappointed.

I have some thoughts on alternatives to familiars, but I thought I'd see what you guys had for it first. I'll be posting a followup with some of the things that I and my group have come up with to use in it's place. Please comment with any ideas you have, I'd love to hear them!